Why I’m Still Loyal to the King of Spain

This is just a quick blurb, ladies and gentlemen, and I apologize in advance to the non-Spanish speakers. At the Iberoamerican Conference in Chile today, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela and President Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero of Spain got into a little scuffle after Chavez continually interrupted Zapatero to make the point that his predecessor, President Jose Maria Aznar, was a “fascist” and several other derogatory, imperialist names. After Zapatero (a left-wing leader who denounced Aznar’s administration publicly many times) demanded respect for his predecessor and the Spanish people, quipping with formidable attitude that Aznar was a “democratic choice” and “some of the countries represented here are, actually, democracies”, for about a minute to no avail (Chavez continues to speak over him), Spanish King Juan Carlos I interrupts both of them, turns to Chavez vehemently, and yells “why don’t you just shut up?!” Chaos ensued until the relevant authorities simmered down the tempers of those involved.

This is just one of the many reasons why Juan Carlos I wins the award for “Best Monarch Ever”. He is a no-nonsense, straightforward kind of guy that has no problem reciprocating ill will to his enemies or putting anyone, even a sovereign leader, in their place. Here are two videos of Juan Carlos at his best: the first, the aforementioned incident with Chavez (sorry to non-Spanish speakers again), and the second, a jovial greeting to Basque separatists that came to boo the King at Vitoria-Gasteiz:

Area Man Would Rather Attend Harvard

Now, I’m no sports nut, but I have found it suprisingly easy to scream insults at those blustering Bulldogs every year at the Game. A little scouring of the Onion’s archives proves that even America’s Finest News Source agrees: Yale sucks.

First of all, a search for Yale yields only 44 results. Harvard? 95. We’re frequently the subject of American Voices, the Onion’s hilarious parody poll. (Here are the thoughts of David Niles, portrait photographer, on Kaavya Viswanathan: “This just goes to show there are many things a Harvard education can’t teach you, like how to use a thesaurus to cover up your plagiarism.”)

Let’s do a close reading of the following text:

NEW HAVEN, CT— A heated dispute over the relative merits of Harvard and Yale erupted into fisticuffs Monday, when Yalie William Vanderploeg, 20, struck Randolph Stephenson, a strapping Harvard lad of 19, about the face and neck in a most brutish manner. “The vainglorious braggart dared suggest that his Crimson squad could out-row us nine times of ten,” said Vanderploeg, captain of the Yale crew team. “I knew they raised them as barbarians over Harvard way, but the very gall.” Stephenson, his hair mussed from the attack, vowed that the dispute is far from settled.

The *Yalie* Vanderploeg strikes the “strapping Harvard lad” in a “brutish manner.” While the article quotes Vanderploeg’s justification for his uncouth actions, it’s pretty clear that the author’s sympathies lie with Stephenson (who, on top of his other virtues, has hair nice enough to suffer from being mussed). In fact, the article subtly invokes the dichotomy between an agrarian society and an industrial one. Observe how the arm of industry — of Yale — strikes the “barbarian” Harvard student. While “barbarian” has a negative connotation to the Yalie, it ironically underscores the ancient nobility of Harvard against a crude, modern age which prizes uncultured violence above the older nobility of the barbarian savage — the nobility of the “strapping” Harvardian.

(yeah… that was total BS. Thanks, Hist and Lit!)

Harvard students might come across as wacky overly-intellectual loons in this one. But at least we’re smart enough to deconstruct Mexican food take-out menus — and we don’t have one-sided friendships with homeless men, a la Yale.

In this article about choosing a college, Harvard sounds a bit pretentious…

Find a college that will nurture your talents. For example, if you have an aptitude for dressing up in drag, penning witty quatrains, and awarding celebrities prizes as a way to draw attention to yourself, you may want to consider Harvard.

Nevertheless, at least we get our own paragraph, unlike Yale. And the Onion shares another bit of priceless wisdom: you can never go wrong with a college advertised on public transportation.

FABIO AND GEORGE CLOONEY IN FIGHT

As the Indy Arts romance beat reporter, I bring you the best celeb gossip story EVER (via smartbitchestrashybooks.com, your best source for romance news and snark). From the blog of the New Republic (yeah, wrap your head around that, real quick):

According to numerous eyewitnesses, George suspected the woman was snapping photos of him and Sarah, so he asked her to stop. Fabio got up and went over to George’s table — not to apologize, but to explain that the photos weren’t of George. “I thought you were a nice guy,” Fabio, 48, said to George, 46. “Stop being a diva.” Those were apparently fighting words, because George stood up and the two started arguing until George went to push Fabio! “The waiters broke it up before it got out of hand,” the eyewitness reveals. 

Fabio’s only comment: “George is lucky he didn’t end up in the ER.” God willing, there will be pictures, which we will post as soon as we see them.

I’m so conflicted! Who to root for? Can I just express my love for the golden-tressed (romance novel) cover model? He’s pure cheese, but in a self-conscious way, like William Shatner. And he seems like a pretty cuddly, sweet guy. Then again, you have to respect George Clooney — the man’s socially conscious, and he makes excellent films. But I still haven’t forgiven him that Oscar speech about how progressive Hollywood is, right before they passed over Brokeback Mountain for the relatively safe Crash. 

At any rate, we know who wins in the camp and hair departments:

The Next Great Cult Classic

For my article this week, I’ll be reviewing Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell, which I think is fantastic, criminally under-publicized, and the next cult classic. For your viewing pleasure, the trailer:

Before we’re completely done with Halloween…

Zombies. Admit it, they scare you. Apropos of my review of 30 Days of Night, which reveals that this alleged vampire movie is really a stealth zombie picture, your dedicated correspondent has been thinking about the potential for undead invasion. Because the Indy cares about the fate of humankind, some resources on zombie preparedness.

First, five scientific ways a zombie apocalypse could happen. Now, I don’t want to incite a panic, but forewarned is forearmed.

Now that I’ve got you scared, let’s refer to experts for tips on how to survive the coming undead crisis. In consultation with such figures of authority as Bruce Campbell and Quentin Tarantino, MTV has drawn up a disaster plan. They suggest that you first “take a moment to laugh while all those fools who wasted their time watching “The Notebook” get torn apart like a Hometown Buffet on a Friday night.”

The best advice comes from Sam Raimi, director of Evil Dead. Do the job right the first time, or you’ll regret it:

“Always chop ‘em up,” advised Sam Raimi, insisting that it isn’t enough to simply knock your zombie down with a head-shot. “You really want to go for the active body dismemberment when it comes to zombies because they can come back at you like a bad lunch. They’ll keep repeating on you, unless you do your business.

“It’s tough with zombies,” he finished. “So be sure to do your due diligence.”

And, finally, we’ll close with the check-list of Max Brooks, noted zombiologist and author of the Zombie Survival Guide:

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Stay safe, Harvard. You never know what they’re cooking up in the labs over at MIT.